in jerusalem

So, things haven't started here exactly as I expected. I live about five minutes away from the Damascus Gate into the Old City, but I have only actually gone in twice. And, to be honest, they weren't the most relaxing walks I have ever taken. But I'll get back to that. The reason things have been a bit different than I had imagined was because Margot (one of the twins) had a seizure on our second day here...then she had two more the next day. As you can imagine, it really changes the feel of everything. Not only did Sam & Michelle spent two evenings in the hospital, which makes my presence necessary on the home front. But, taking care of a baby who has seizures is pretty fearful business. I don't think I have ever known fear like I had when Margot had her fit on Tuesday. I was holding her when it happened and I think my heart stopped a little. The past two days I have been in constant prayer that I won't let fear take me over. I want to be strong and sure and helpful. But, more than anything, I want Margot to be healthy. Thankfully, these seizures (we believe) were fever-induced. So, as long as she doesn't have a fever, she should be okay. Please pray that she is okay.

Fear wears you out. And working overtime wears you out....so that might be another explanation for why I haven't been pumped to explore Jerusalem. Also, I don't really have any friends here as of yet. The current plan is to just stalk the students at Sam's University. I've had success with that method in the past (Lauren Angert, Katie Zurcher, Erin Lynch & Leanna Brown)...so I hope it will work again. I only have a short time here, and I really feel like it is a city you need to have company to explore (especially being a woman). You will be happy to hear that I have found my favorite bookstore already! I bought a book so I can teach myself Hebrew. I am very much looking forward to the day I can read right to left.

I have drawn a few conclusions from what I have seen of the city: mainly, this place is NOTHING like I have every experienced before. I have never felt so out of my element before. And maybe I am just being hyper-sensitive because I don't want the people in my ultra conservative neighborhood to be offended, or because I want to be above reproach, or because I don't want people to get the wrong idea about me. When I walk through the Arab market streets in the old city, I keep my eyes forward and the smile off my face. The shop men are constantly trying to entice me with their wares, and young boys yell out directions to me. I am afraid that if I so much as glance at my map, I will get a swarm of people trying to give me advice and "help me" find my way. I thought I had reach a safe place where no one would bother me when I got into the Jewish Quarter, but some old man saw me glancing at my map while I was sitting on a bench and he just came up and started giving me a tour without so much as asking me. I hate being rude, but I wasn't about to follow this random man around an unknown city. Sometimes I just hate being bothered.

But that's not really the annoying thing. I think what really bothers me is that, in the attempt to stay neutral and be invisible, I don't really get to enjoy being me. I can't laugh or smile, because the shop men always notice and make some obnoxious comment. I can't be open and gregarious because this isn't a friendly city. I can't dance in the streets when I hear great Arabic music coming from one of the stalls...and I so want to dance. I think that, for me, having friends around kind of takes the pressure off. I am safe in a group. I can somehow find both anonymity and self-expression in a group. By myself I just feel vulnerable. So- I will let you know how that stalking goes so I can get on with some real exploration.

You will be proud to know that there is one way that I am absolutely asserting myself. I have dressed ultra conservative for the past few day, and I am quite enjoying it. I feel like the less I look like a foreigner, the less I am going to be bothered by the locals. But, Michelle told me that I might have better luck if were to put up my hair. Blond Israelis aren't very popular, as you might imagine. And I guess having your hair down is just asking men to harass you...something I will never understand. But, being me, and being particularly happy with my hair as I choose to wear it, I decided to forgo taking Michelle's advice. That was the last straw, as it were. I will dress conservatively. I will refrain from smiling at random people. I will avoid eye contact. But I will NOT change how I wear my hair. Maybe that is a bit of unneeded stubbornness, but that's just how it's going to be.

And that is all for tonight.

My life is crazy and random and tiring and lonely and full and adventurous and scary...but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have comfort in the fact that you are all there caring for me and thinking of me and praying for me.

Lots of love from Jerusalem,
Kelly