Final Transfer

And here is the final part of my virb account. Funny how I am probably the only one who actually cares about rereading this, I guess it is like a journal that you can't make yourself throw away..so it will just live on in internet infamy to haunt me should I ever become famous.


A BIT about BLOGGING
June 5, 2009

So, originally I had planned on deleting this blog when I got back from Germany. I think mainly because I just hate the word blog. But at 2 in the morning writing down things on a website so the whole world can see them seems like a wonderful idea. I mean, who doesn't want to bare their soul to any person who cares to view this site? Actually, to be honest, I think I would bare my soul to most people who asked me...who really asked me. But, the problem is, no one ever asks who really wants to know me. The problem with this age isn't the corruption of media or bad parenting or alcohol or what have you, it's that people don't really listen to one another; that people don't really care what is going on in another person's life. We all live for ourselves. At least I do. So here it is: the blog. The blog came about because some people think their thoughts are so valuable, so important, that they deserve to be read by everyone; and others don't actually have anyone to listen to them, anyone to ask them these probing, soul-searching questions, so they write it all on the internet so that someone will read their thoughts and maybe, just maybe, actually care. Which one am I, do you ask? Well, I could say that my friends made me keep a blog so they could hear all that went down in Germany, but here I am, a week after I got back, still writing. To be honest, I guess I think what I have to say is important. For some reason, I think you will gain something by reading what I have to say. Yeah, that's probably really vain, but what would you have me do? Should I contain all of my thoughts to the private pages of my journal? Ha- that's so last year. Well I guess since I have you here, I should probably say something profound so you actually get something out of all of this wasted time. The only thing that is profound in my life is God. That might sound like a cop out, but it is the truth. I have spent my whole life doing a little dance with God. I am always the little girl dancing with her dad, I stand on his shoes as he whirls me around the dance floor. But sometimes, I guess the only way I can put it, is I get sick of it. I get sick of being so predictable, so obedient. I lose sight of the joy Christ brings me and focus on things that are so much more worldly and so much less valuable. Like, you know how little children will one second be laughing and happy and then the next they are little demons. I am the little girl happy and smiling and loved; dancing on her father's toes, holding his hands, then something happens, I can't even explain it, but I am upset and melancholy and I cry in his arms, or I throw a tantrum and yell at him as he keep on dancing. I have never walked away from that dance. The joy of Christ has infiltrated my life to the point where I think that would be virtually impossible. But I still feel ashamed for my taciturn behavior a lot of the times. Unfortunately, we can't all be perfect children. Unfortunately, life can pull you to pieces. Children are much more open with their emotions, so we call them temperamental, but we all feel like that inside; happy one minute, then upset the next. I think the thing to remember is to just never stop dancing. No matter what, you are in a much better place out on the dance floor than hidden in the crowds of people. I don't know if that made any sense to anyone else, but it helped me...so I guess that's all I can really ask for. If you look at it this way; you are always in the same place, your mood just changes. You are always in your father's arms, your emotions just get in the way of your own joy. But then again, this could just be me.



Normal People. Yes we can.
January 20, 2010

My roommate has to do a study on children. She is looking for research and can't find anything on average children, as in children who aren't deaf or mentally disabled or something. In my history in cinema class, my teacher brought up the topic of movie's main characters. Why are they always white? She asked. Why aren't "minorities" (even though- let's be honest, they aren't minorities anymore) represented in blockbuster movies? I couldn't answer. I mean, I'm white, so I guess I like seeing white people represented...but as for the rest of the American population, I have no idea. I live in a house with 3 other girls. I know countless others who are very similar in this: awesome, beautiful, adventurous, interesting, and solid believers. Yet, I feel like we are constantly getting left out of the picture too. So...I guess I am wondering why we are leaving everyone out. The normal people that is. Normal kids need love too. Black and Latino and Asian people should be in American film as much as Gerard Butler is. Girls who stand for something should feel just as much apart of this world as girls who just want one thing. There is this line in Harry Potter 5. When Harry is feeling alone, Luna says; "I suppose that's how he wants you to feel...if it's just you alone you're not as much of a threat." Now, I don't really know what I am threatening, but I think it is probably the society that encourages depravity rather than promotes love and righteousness. I want to threaten that. Bring it on world.


Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain. -Billie Holiday
January 21, 2010

I think I might be one of the only people on this earth who loves the rain. I looked outside this morning and smiled. There is something about the rain that softens everything, yet also has the ability to make it more epic. I love to play in the rain, or sit and read with a cup of coffee next to a window. I put on candles and classical music and just relax. Sometimes, when I am driving my car in the rain and the wipers are going fast across my windshield, I pretend I am in Jurassic Park and dinosaurs are coming after me. Rain makes everyone feel the way I feel all the time, a little mushy inside and in need of someone close to keep me tucked together. I guess that's why I love it so much, just another excuse to be close



The Joy of a Challenge
February 25, 2010

Life is kind of a waste if there is no challenge. If there is no struggle, where it the success? Am I proud when I do something that is easy- no. I am proud when I accomplish something that I only dreamed I could do. As I am trying to decide what I want to do with my life, I have come across I feeling in me that I didn't realize was there. I don't want to go around begging for a job, or asking for favors from friends, or feeling lucky because someone gave me a chance. I want to earn the job I get, and I want to earn the money they pay me. I want to do hard work and be challenged everyday. Where is a job like that? Where is a job that won't stick me at a desk and won't ask me to waste my potential doing work a monkey could do? That's what I want. My biggest fear, other than ending up alone, is ending up in an existence where I am just prodding along, unchanging. I will not stop learning once I am out of school. I will not stop growing once I am grown up. I want a challenge and I want to strive for something worthy of winning.



The end is only the beginning
May 18, 2010

I am doing a Maymester to finish up my history degree. It is a lot of hard work. I am literally in class from 9:30 until 3 and then I have to come home and read an average of 200 pages per evening. The worst part about it is that I feel kind of purposeless, like I am just wasting my time until I got to the next thing..and I am not even enjoying the wasted time. That's a lie, I am learning a ridiculous amount, and it is all SO interesting. I am learning about the civil rights movement and american women since 1865. Seriously, I have never been so inspired to live a purpose-filled life, and been so grateful for the rights that I have as I have been this past week and a half in these two classes. Hearing about the hardships (that's an understatement, more like shit fest) these men and women went through to get BASIC CIVIL RIGHTS, rights that I take for granted today, makes me want to take up a cause and run with it. So I have been thinking, and there has been a lot of changing of heart and a lot of sudden realizations that have got me to this point- why not take a month or a year or a few years off, leave home, leave money-making, and truly imitate Christ? Why not actually help people? Why not actually treat people like they want to be treated? I always make excuses as to why I am so self-involved all the time, why I don't live for others, but the truth of the matter is, I am just really selfish. I don't want to make excuses anymore. I have all the time in the world. I just graduated from college for goodness' sake! I don't need to get a real job until I am at least 25! I am going to take a leap of faith here, and follow God's greatest commandment, well, try to at the very least: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself" and, as Christ so succinctly put it: "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24). I want to do something for Christ and for my neighbor. I don't want to do it for me. I want to feel what it is really like to put 100% of who I am into being like Christ. What a gift that would be! I am trying to get an internship at CDC 58:12, which is building homes for people in New Orleans that had there homes destroyed by Katrina. I have no idea if I will get this internship, but it is already looking better than that Penguin one did. Haha. I love God. Christ saved me. I say it, but I don't live it. I know I don't. I am so hypocritical and I am getting sick of myself. It's the end of college, the end of being covered by my parents insurance, and the end of life as I know it, but it is just the beginning of my new path, of my truly following Christ, and I couldn't me more excited for it to begin.