Recently I have been spending a lot of time doing things I don't normally have time for...i.e. taking hour long runs listening to Francis Chan & having long, drawn-out conversations with my parents about my future. And from a very interesting mathematical proof, I have come out of all of this realizing and being completely assured that God loves and knows me fully.
These Francis Chan sermons have really been convicting me about my life...as they always do. But the ones in particular have brought up a sort of renewed fear regarding my salvation. I mean, when I am reading and hearing that I will be judged for even my careless actions and that people when come before God and he will turn them away saying: "I never knew you, get out of my sight" - it kind of freaks me out.
Then on the other side of this proof is my dad giving me advice about guys...and I realize he doesn't know me at all. It is a weird feeling to realize that your dad doesn't know you. I kept trying to explain to him that I am content where I am and I have total faith in God. And he is sitting there telling me I need to be asking everyone to pray that I find a Godly man and I need to be in target-rich environments and I am not going to meet someone hanging out with my girl friends, blah blah blah. And this all just sprung from me asking my parents not to bring up my singleness. It's not a big deal, I just don't want to be reminded as we pray before every meal that I don't have a boyfriend..it makes me feel like I am not good enough or something. Basically the result of all of that is I decided I am never going to try to talk to my dad about anything emotional again...because he will never see things the way I do and it is frustrated trying not to get mad at him.
So, last night this kind of all came together for me. I was sitting in my room talking to God about loving my dad and being content where I am (jobless & single & everything) and I realized that He understood exactly what I was saying because HE KNOWS ME. He has known every relationship I have been in and every struggle I have gone through because he loves me and he has paid attention to my life and thoughts, etc. There is no way I can get to heaven and have him say "I never knew you," because he is the only one who actually knows me completely...even more than my mom. And that is awesome.
So that just made me feel all warm and tingly & it became okay that my dad doesn't grasp my idea of relationships and okay that I am kind of lost right now, because not only do I know who I am in Christ, GOD KNOWS WHO I AM. Crazy, eh?
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