the depth of love

Sam and I were drawing this morning. We were covering pages of scratch paper with pictures of doggies and clowns and people and letters and squiggles. Seldom do I look at the backs of all these scratch papers, usually it is boring stuff like copies of bills or business paperwork, but today I realized that we were drawing on the backs of songs, worship songs to be exact...

(These pictures are from a day trip to Annecy, France)

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure,
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.

I was holding Margot today, trying to get her to fall asleep, so I started singing this song. She looked up at me with this curious look, as if she wondered what I was singing about. Sometimes when I hold her or her sister, feeling their small, helpless bodies safe in my arms, I think about that- the depth of love. The pure love of a baby for its mother. The overwhelming love of parents for their children. And then, the most ultimate of love, the love that lays down its life for its beloved.

How great the pain of searing loss-
the Father turns His face away.
As wounds which mar the chosen one
Bring many sons to glory.

When I first met the kids I would be spending the next 8 months to a year with, I felt an instant connection with Sam, the two year old. He is at just the right age to still be vulnerable and cuddly, and open with his love, but he still has a personality and thoughts he wants to share. I also spent the most time with him, so I had plenty of time to get close to him quickly.

Mia was a different story, she had to test me out before she opened her heart to me. She had to learn my ways and I had to learn hers. Since she was in school most of the time, we also had to be intentional about getting to know one another. But, it made it all worth it. I felt like I had won her heart when she first told me she loved me. I felt honored because she didn't give it lightly.

The babies are another story entirely. When I first saw them, laying in their chairs all wrapped in their blankets, helpless & personality-less; I felt no connection. They were adorable, I admit, but they didn't even make eye contact yet. They barely moved at all. It is hard to love a doll. But then I took care of them. I helped clothe them and rock them to sleep and change them and bathe them. There is something that changes in you, that changes your heart when you take care of something that needs you. Sometimes I will look at them while they are in my arms and my heart just breaks. I can't really explain why, there is just something so beautiful about all of it. My heart is so full with love for them, my eyes with tears of joy for them- and the funny thing is that is only a tiny portion of what their mother feels for them...and I can't even imagine what a tiny portion a mother's love is compared to God's love. It's all so epically beautiful.


How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure...

It's a great song. You should check it out.

by Stuart Townend

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

life as we know it

It is 8:55pm on Sunday evening.

It has been a long week...and a long weekend...and now we are back to another week....

But it's great! So no need to fret about me!

Most of you didn't know this, but last weekend I was able to take another trip to England and surprise Gemma!! I had set it up with her roommate and her boyfriend, who I must say, did a wonderful job of keeping it all a secret. The picked me up at the Durham train stationed and carried my bag to her apartment (such gents). On the way, Charlie (bf) was texting Gemma saying he had a surprise for her. When we got their he knocked on her door and told her to come open the door because his hands were full. Then he stepped aside so I would be the first thing she saw. When she opened the door and saw me she said: "Oh, hello"...short pause.."Kelly!" and excitedly hugged me and told me she was so happy I had come...etc, etc. It was a very nice surprise if you ask me.

It was their last week of Epiphany term, so the whole house was pretty stressed with school work. I brought some candy from Switzerland to ease the tense nerves...it was much appreciated. I would say what candy I brought, but the only one y'all would have heard of is gummie bears. Real classics. So, since I knew Gem wouldn't have tons of time to waste with me, a planned a trip to see another wonderful British friend in Whitby, which is on the coast. It was perfect because she was home for a few weeks on break from her job as an au pair in Switzerland. (confused much? We met in Switzerland through that au pair group, became friends, then decided to go to the next level of friendship and meet the family). And that was also perfect, because York is about midway between Durham and Whitby, so I also got to see Jason who I worked with at Camp Pine Forest. Crazy times, eh? I kept marveling at how you meet people and think you are never going to see them again...and then, you do! It was great. So I got to go to York that Saturday. And then Sarah took me around Whitby and Robin Hood's Bay (which is also on the coast). She took me to the train station near her house which was made famous as the Hogsmeade station in Harry Potter, and we went on the only running steam bus in the world, engineered by the one and only driver of "Thomas the Tank Engine" and "The Hogwart's Express." Unfortunately, his epic train driving achievements are the only thing I can really say for him, he didn't seem to be the cheeriest of men. I was truly disappointed.

On a more positive note, this past weekend was the YAGS winter retreat. I may have mentioned YAGS before, but I don't really remember, so I will again. YAGS is the young adult group at the church the Fiores and I attend. I have been going most Tuesday nights and I really enjoy it. The retreat was held at the Fiores Peillonnex home, so I was a little nervous about my home being invaded by quite a few strangers, plus not getting some time away from my job site; but all in all, I really enjoyed myself and got to know some great people. There was a couple from Kentucky who had great Southern accents and made me homesick for the South. And there was a physicist who attempted to tell me about his work (because I asked), and made me realize how little I really know about anything science related. I sat on the couch for a few hours one day and played trivia games in front of a fireplace...which if you know me at all is pretty much my heaven. And it was pretty warm (the weather didn't concede to the ruse of the title "Winter Retreat"; so I got to take a long run...which I really overdid and am now consequently ridiculously sore. Which I don't say to boast...because basically I am admitting that: Yes, months of not running DOES have an effect on the body. You can't just pick up where you left off. Thank you body for teaching me my lesson. So, we'll be working on that.

And I think the best part of the weekend was just being able to talk about God and the things he is doing in my life openly with my peers. I mean, it has already been an amazing blessing to have Michelle around for constant spiritual encouragement and conversation...but I am so far away from my amazing community of believing friends and my Tuesday Night girls, and I miss the sense of community and comfort that a mutual love for Christ creates. There is literally nothing like it.

So that is all for this post. I sincerely wish I could master the whole "short and sweet" genre.

Will work on that. Love from across the ocean!

visiting family

I guess by this time, if you are reading my blog, you have realized that I am a horribly inconsistent blogger. The thing is, that once something becomes normal, then there doesn't seem to be a big need to update the general public on all of the "normal" things one does everyday. So I water-colored with some young children. So I crossed the border 6 times today. So I went to IKEA with some friends. So I went to Milan for the week. So I got sick. So I planned a trip to Prague. So the weather is (hopefully) warming. So I have gotten pretty involved in a young adults group in Geneva. So I go to French class every Thursday....This all just becomes a part of life..and I thereby lose the drive to type out my activities and opinions for your perusal. I apologize for my lack of blogging discipline.

One thing I have been very good at is documenting my time in pictures. I have some great pictures of all of the beautiful places I have visited, of my gorgeous surroundings, of the wonderful children I take care of...and some of those pictures make their way here, but most of them are on my facebook.

I just got back from Milan, Italy, where Sam Fiore's (the father of the family I take care of) family lives. It was such a great trip. The only thing I can say poorly about it was that I got sick. The air in Milan is really polluted and I think it took my immune system by surprise. But other than that, I loved every part of it! I LOVED Sam's family. They were so welcoming and warm. His parents and sister live just a few minutes away from one another. I got to spend the week hanging out with family (which I miss doing, so I have to make up for it with some adopted family), reading, eating AMAZING food (thank you Nina) and cookies (thank you Glory), watching everyone else dance to Wii, and, of course, touring the beautiful city of Milan. Sam's niece and nephews were so much fun to be with. One of them his nephews, Jake, gave me a nice tour around Milan and took me to a WONDERFUL little Panzerotti place (I think that was what is was)- basically imagine a calzone fried, but the bread and the ingredients explode with flavor in your mouth. It was amazing. He was very patient as I kept asking to sit down and take a break from our walking (little did we know I was really sick). He felt so bad because he thought he was forcing me to tour Milan and wearing me out.

It was so cool to be around a family that was so bilingual too. One second they would be telling me a story in English, the next second the phone would ring and they would pick it up and jabber away in perfect Italian. Can you say JEALOUS. The other nephew, Max, was reading The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis (I LOVE that book), and he let me read some out loud to him and Jake. (They are both dyslexic, so reading is kind of a struggle). It was so much fun having them get excited about the story. I enjoyed it so much, I would go back for that along.

I read some Francine Rivers books while I was in Milan (I just picked up what they had at the house). And one of them was "A Voice in the Wind" about a slave girl in Rome right after Christ ascended into heaven. Let me just tell you, never have I had a fiction book make me feel so convicted about my faith and my life. I realize that this girl didn't exist, but just the way the book described her faith, amidst the ridiculous and unbelievable persecution in Rome in that time made me think a LOT. Reading about her desire to glorify God in the way she lived and truly be separate from the hedonism of her Roman owners..I was struck by my own desire to sin and my own pride. I don't know if any of this is making any sense; but I guess, by reading about a slave, who was literally willing to die for her beliefs, yet still served others humbly and lovingly who could kill her if they knew what she was, made me see my own sin and depravity. I am ashamed of how proud I was of my righteousness...but its nothing...so..that's what I am working on right now.

Sorry to end this one so heavy...but such is life.

I miss America. I love it here, but I miss home. That is the sucky thing about change. Even when the new things are wonderful, you never really get over what you left.