My First Love

I love my husband dearly. Sometimes I love him so much it hurts in that good way. And sometimes I love him in a covetous, self-serving way that hurts us both because I am not loving him rightly. My love can become toxic. My love can become everything it shouldn't be: impure, impatient, self seeking, whatever. Often, I make J's love and treatment of me an idol. I depend upon him to fulfill me and make me feel complete. I set high expectations of him and am bitter and resentful when he inevitably lets me down. In short, I expect him to make me happy. Expecting your husband to make you happy sounds so harmless, right?

Wrong. It is so easy for sin to seep in when I think I am having perfectly normal, sweet, ooey-gooey thoughts. But, I guess that's generally how it is, all of my normal, human emotions are still a product of my sin nature.

As many of you know, J and I got married VERY quickly. We dated for 9 days and were legally married a month and 3 days after our first date. Three years later we have a puppy and a baby on the way and, as you can imagine, we know SO much more about one another than we did when we said "I do." One thing that made me extremely confident in this VERY quick major life decision, was that I didn't feel like I needed J. That may sound counter-intuitive, but I had to be sure that I wasn't jumping into a marriage because I was overwhelmed by need for another person in my life. And it is something I have to tell myself as life gets more and more overwhelming.

J will be graduating from his PSYOP course in August. I will, Lord-willing, be pushing a baby out of me in that same month. We really don't know what life will look like after that. J could deploy right away, or it could be a couple of months. But, either way I can expect him not to be around 6 months out of every year for the next 3 years, at least. That sucks right? I am really not looking forward to it. I can say things like "it could be a lot worse, he could have longer deployments," "we have been so lucky to have 3 years of marriage without a deployment," yada yada yada. It still going to be hard, and lonely, and frustrating EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And it will be hard when he gets back, and our son has grown and changed and we all have to get to know each other again.

And when I tear up thinking through all of the difficulties, sighing "if only..." I have to remind myself what I said when we first married. I don't need J. I want him, surely. Having him around makes life easier and more enjoyable. I love sharing things with him. I love getting to know him better every day. I love learning new things about him and from him. I love hosting parties with him and building relationships with him....but again I say, I don't need him. The moment I say I need him, I am rejecting my first love.

When I covet the things other relationships have, or compare my husband or our circumstances to anyone else's, I am sinning. When I blame my lack of joy on the failings of my relationship, then the sin of coveting is growing in my heart. That isn't to say I can't be unhappy or miss my husband, or wish things were different. It means letting those feelings control my emotions and my joy, causing bitterness and resentment, then it's gone too far; then I am rejecting my first love; then I am not believing in His sovereignty and goodness.

So what do I do to prevent sinning in this way, and getting caught up in the ease of coveting and comparing and constantly desiring more? I go after my first love, I seek the Lord.

Here is a great quote about how our love for God positively affects our love for our spouse:
"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. Insofar as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed, but increased." CS Lewis