in the good times and the bad

I am kind of in a bad mood...so maybe it's not exactly the best time to blog. But I haven't blogged in a while, and I feel like I need to. Besides, writing about my epic life will probably make me feel better about what I am currently upset about.

That being said, my life really isn't that epic. The day to day is taking care of kids...which, if you have ever done it, you'll know, is not glamorous in the slightest. I pretty much always dress like a 12 year old girl- baggy shirts, old jeans, braided or unkempt hair, no makeup. Even though I take a shower most mornings, I always end up smelling like spit up. I change an inordinate amount of dirty diapers a day. I use words like poopy and toots and sippy and bugger on a regular basis. And my favorite pastime is actually a workout disguised as a child's game as I make throw the kids around, usually in order to distract them from whatever was about to make them cry.

But the great thing about my work, is that I truly enjoy it. Okay, obviously not all of it. I miss looking good. I miss only having to worry about whether I need to go to the bathroom. I miss enjoying a relaxing meal. But all in all, I play with kids, I hold babies, I love and I am loved. And who doesn't want that.

So, needles to say, my job is not at all what has put me in a bad mood. Actually, it's my vacation that is doing that. I was planning a trip to see my friend in the Czech Republic, and now it looks like I don't have a place to stay. I could probably still go and figure out my sleeping arrangements once I get there, but if you know me at all, you'll know that isn't my style. Maybe in America...but definitely not in Europe...definitely no in the Czech Republic. I have done my fair share of spontaneous things, but this time I prefer "safe" to "sorry" (as the old adage goes). So, now I am pretty bummed because I had really been looking forward to this & now it all seems to be falling through my fingers.

On the VERY bright side though, I have my PARENTS coming! They just so happened to book a trip when I was going to be in CZ, so now I will probably get to spend the whole two weeks with them! I can't wait to see them! They are coming on Friday and I am PUMPED.

Wow I am tired, but I am a bit behind on all of this, so I will just mention a few key things and then sleep away.

You might have seen that the wonderful and beautiful Karla Heath came to visit me all the way from Denver, Colorado. We spend a fabulous week together hanging out with the kids, hiking in the Alps near where I live (when I say near, I mean 15 minutes), sightseeing around Geneva and Milan, swimming in the Mediterranean in Cinque Terre, and unsettling some policeman and train inspectors as we made our train compartment our own private dance floor. It was amazing. I must say our day in Cinque Terre will go down as one of the most perfect days of my life. We walked along the coast, jumped into the sea, laid out in the hot sun, ate Foccacia near some topless sunbathers on the rocks, and drank wine looking out at that beautiful clear water. Life doesn't get much better.

It was sad to see Karla go. Life is so rich with here around. God was so real as we explored his beautiful creation together. We talked freely and laughed deeply and Jesus joined in. We shared our Italian wine with him, and an Italian guy named Paulo on the train home actually. It was quite a weak. I won't quickly forget it.

That's all for now. My bed is calling my name.

the depth of love

Sam and I were drawing this morning. We were covering pages of scratch paper with pictures of doggies and clowns and people and letters and squiggles. Seldom do I look at the backs of all these scratch papers, usually it is boring stuff like copies of bills or business paperwork, but today I realized that we were drawing on the backs of songs, worship songs to be exact...

(These pictures are from a day trip to Annecy, France)

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure,
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.

I was holding Margot today, trying to get her to fall asleep, so I started singing this song. She looked up at me with this curious look, as if she wondered what I was singing about. Sometimes when I hold her or her sister, feeling their small, helpless bodies safe in my arms, I think about that- the depth of love. The pure love of a baby for its mother. The overwhelming love of parents for their children. And then, the most ultimate of love, the love that lays down its life for its beloved.

How great the pain of searing loss-
the Father turns His face away.
As wounds which mar the chosen one
Bring many sons to glory.

When I first met the kids I would be spending the next 8 months to a year with, I felt an instant connection with Sam, the two year old. He is at just the right age to still be vulnerable and cuddly, and open with his love, but he still has a personality and thoughts he wants to share. I also spent the most time with him, so I had plenty of time to get close to him quickly.

Mia was a different story, she had to test me out before she opened her heart to me. She had to learn my ways and I had to learn hers. Since she was in school most of the time, we also had to be intentional about getting to know one another. But, it made it all worth it. I felt like I had won her heart when she first told me she loved me. I felt honored because she didn't give it lightly.

The babies are another story entirely. When I first saw them, laying in their chairs all wrapped in their blankets, helpless & personality-less; I felt no connection. They were adorable, I admit, but they didn't even make eye contact yet. They barely moved at all. It is hard to love a doll. But then I took care of them. I helped clothe them and rock them to sleep and change them and bathe them. There is something that changes in you, that changes your heart when you take care of something that needs you. Sometimes I will look at them while they are in my arms and my heart just breaks. I can't really explain why, there is just something so beautiful about all of it. My heart is so full with love for them, my eyes with tears of joy for them- and the funny thing is that is only a tiny portion of what their mother feels for them...and I can't even imagine what a tiny portion a mother's love is compared to God's love. It's all so epically beautiful.


How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure...

It's a great song. You should check it out.

by Stuart Townend

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

life as we know it

It is 8:55pm on Sunday evening.

It has been a long week...and a long weekend...and now we are back to another week....

But it's great! So no need to fret about me!

Most of you didn't know this, but last weekend I was able to take another trip to England and surprise Gemma!! I had set it up with her roommate and her boyfriend, who I must say, did a wonderful job of keeping it all a secret. The picked me up at the Durham train stationed and carried my bag to her apartment (such gents). On the way, Charlie (bf) was texting Gemma saying he had a surprise for her. When we got their he knocked on her door and told her to come open the door because his hands were full. Then he stepped aside so I would be the first thing she saw. When she opened the door and saw me she said: "Oh, hello"...short pause.."Kelly!" and excitedly hugged me and told me she was so happy I had come...etc, etc. It was a very nice surprise if you ask me.

It was their last week of Epiphany term, so the whole house was pretty stressed with school work. I brought some candy from Switzerland to ease the tense nerves...it was much appreciated. I would say what candy I brought, but the only one y'all would have heard of is gummie bears. Real classics. So, since I knew Gem wouldn't have tons of time to waste with me, a planned a trip to see another wonderful British friend in Whitby, which is on the coast. It was perfect because she was home for a few weeks on break from her job as an au pair in Switzerland. (confused much? We met in Switzerland through that au pair group, became friends, then decided to go to the next level of friendship and meet the family). And that was also perfect, because York is about midway between Durham and Whitby, so I also got to see Jason who I worked with at Camp Pine Forest. Crazy times, eh? I kept marveling at how you meet people and think you are never going to see them again...and then, you do! It was great. So I got to go to York that Saturday. And then Sarah took me around Whitby and Robin Hood's Bay (which is also on the coast). She took me to the train station near her house which was made famous as the Hogsmeade station in Harry Potter, and we went on the only running steam bus in the world, engineered by the one and only driver of "Thomas the Tank Engine" and "The Hogwart's Express." Unfortunately, his epic train driving achievements are the only thing I can really say for him, he didn't seem to be the cheeriest of men. I was truly disappointed.

On a more positive note, this past weekend was the YAGS winter retreat. I may have mentioned YAGS before, but I don't really remember, so I will again. YAGS is the young adult group at the church the Fiores and I attend. I have been going most Tuesday nights and I really enjoy it. The retreat was held at the Fiores Peillonnex home, so I was a little nervous about my home being invaded by quite a few strangers, plus not getting some time away from my job site; but all in all, I really enjoyed myself and got to know some great people. There was a couple from Kentucky who had great Southern accents and made me homesick for the South. And there was a physicist who attempted to tell me about his work (because I asked), and made me realize how little I really know about anything science related. I sat on the couch for a few hours one day and played trivia games in front of a fireplace...which if you know me at all is pretty much my heaven. And it was pretty warm (the weather didn't concede to the ruse of the title "Winter Retreat"; so I got to take a long run...which I really overdid and am now consequently ridiculously sore. Which I don't say to boast...because basically I am admitting that: Yes, months of not running DOES have an effect on the body. You can't just pick up where you left off. Thank you body for teaching me my lesson. So, we'll be working on that.

And I think the best part of the weekend was just being able to talk about God and the things he is doing in my life openly with my peers. I mean, it has already been an amazing blessing to have Michelle around for constant spiritual encouragement and conversation...but I am so far away from my amazing community of believing friends and my Tuesday Night girls, and I miss the sense of community and comfort that a mutual love for Christ creates. There is literally nothing like it.

So that is all for this post. I sincerely wish I could master the whole "short and sweet" genre.

Will work on that. Love from across the ocean!

visiting family

I guess by this time, if you are reading my blog, you have realized that I am a horribly inconsistent blogger. The thing is, that once something becomes normal, then there doesn't seem to be a big need to update the general public on all of the "normal" things one does everyday. So I water-colored with some young children. So I crossed the border 6 times today. So I went to IKEA with some friends. So I went to Milan for the week. So I got sick. So I planned a trip to Prague. So the weather is (hopefully) warming. So I have gotten pretty involved in a young adults group in Geneva. So I go to French class every Thursday....This all just becomes a part of life..and I thereby lose the drive to type out my activities and opinions for your perusal. I apologize for my lack of blogging discipline.

One thing I have been very good at is documenting my time in pictures. I have some great pictures of all of the beautiful places I have visited, of my gorgeous surroundings, of the wonderful children I take care of...and some of those pictures make their way here, but most of them are on my facebook.

I just got back from Milan, Italy, where Sam Fiore's (the father of the family I take care of) family lives. It was such a great trip. The only thing I can say poorly about it was that I got sick. The air in Milan is really polluted and I think it took my immune system by surprise. But other than that, I loved every part of it! I LOVED Sam's family. They were so welcoming and warm. His parents and sister live just a few minutes away from one another. I got to spend the week hanging out with family (which I miss doing, so I have to make up for it with some adopted family), reading, eating AMAZING food (thank you Nina) and cookies (thank you Glory), watching everyone else dance to Wii, and, of course, touring the beautiful city of Milan. Sam's niece and nephews were so much fun to be with. One of them his nephews, Jake, gave me a nice tour around Milan and took me to a WONDERFUL little Panzerotti place (I think that was what is was)- basically imagine a calzone fried, but the bread and the ingredients explode with flavor in your mouth. It was amazing. He was very patient as I kept asking to sit down and take a break from our walking (little did we know I was really sick). He felt so bad because he thought he was forcing me to tour Milan and wearing me out.

It was so cool to be around a family that was so bilingual too. One second they would be telling me a story in English, the next second the phone would ring and they would pick it up and jabber away in perfect Italian. Can you say JEALOUS. The other nephew, Max, was reading The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis (I LOVE that book), and he let me read some out loud to him and Jake. (They are both dyslexic, so reading is kind of a struggle). It was so much fun having them get excited about the story. I enjoyed it so much, I would go back for that along.

I read some Francine Rivers books while I was in Milan (I just picked up what they had at the house). And one of them was "A Voice in the Wind" about a slave girl in Rome right after Christ ascended into heaven. Let me just tell you, never have I had a fiction book make me feel so convicted about my faith and my life. I realize that this girl didn't exist, but just the way the book described her faith, amidst the ridiculous and unbelievable persecution in Rome in that time made me think a LOT. Reading about her desire to glorify God in the way she lived and truly be separate from the hedonism of her Roman owners..I was struck by my own desire to sin and my own pride. I don't know if any of this is making any sense; but I guess, by reading about a slave, who was literally willing to die for her beliefs, yet still served others humbly and lovingly who could kill her if they knew what she was, made me see my own sin and depravity. I am ashamed of how proud I was of my righteousness...but its nothing...so..that's what I am working on right now.

Sorry to end this one so heavy...but such is life.

I miss America. I love it here, but I miss home. That is the sucky thing about change. Even when the new things are wonderful, you never really get over what you left.

never enough time

I recently celebrated my 23rd birthday.

As a treat to myself, I planned a trip to the North of England to be with on of my best friends, Gemma Daly. Unfortunately, I had so much fun, and I remembered just exactly how much I love her, that now I am desperate to go back again.

So, now the problem has arisen that there are too many things that I want to do, that there are just not enough hours in the day or days in a week or months in a year. I have blessings coming from every side, that I don't know how to handle them all- I guess it is actually a very good problem.

On the work side- I sincerely love my work. Yes, there are definitely moments and hours, and sometimes even days, when I am thinking "PLEASE LET THE WEEKEND COME." But usually when I am gone from Mia, Sam, Lydia, & Margot I miss them terribly. And I always come back from a weekend away thinking they look older and that I missed out on something. Although my job definitely includes a lot of "work," I still want to do it. I want to be here, in this home, as a part of this family, watching these precious children grow up. I love growing closer to them and making them smile and watching them learn. It's amazing.

Then on the other side of the coin, I have my "personal" life/ my free time- which I want to make the most of. I have already made some great friends in Geneva, who I love spending time with and traveling with. Spending time with them is rest from the hectic life of being a nanny, and most of them are nannies, so it is great to be able to sympathize and talk about our kids without feeling guilty about boring someone. I want to invest in them and get to know them and travel with them. But on the other side, I have a deep yearning to spend time with the people I already know and love. The fact that one of my best friends lives a short (and relatively cheap) plane ride away, draws me to the North. Like I mentioned before, as I was flying away, I was already missing her and the comfort I felt with someone so familiar and close.

So how do I do everything? How do I truly invest in this family, not wanting them to feel like I don't absolutely love them, and miss them when I am gone; while I still feel drawn to (and need) outside relationships that keep pulling me away?

I guess its all about moderation- but right now it just doesn't seem like there isn't enough time.

MY BIRTHDAY:
In case you were wondering about my birthday festivities, well here it is. The Fiore's were kind enough to give me the morning off on my birthday before my flight to Newcastle. So I got to sleep in a bit, plan a trip to Prague, and then get packed to head out. I drove my car the Fiore's apartment in Geneva, took the bus to the train station, took the train to the airport, and then got on my flight to Newcastle.
When I arrived in England, Gem was there to great me with a big hug, a balloon and a birthday present! I was SO excited to see her! It was so surreal- seeing a friend that, at our last goodbye, I didn't know when I would see again. So we took the metro to the center of Newcastle and did a bit of sightseeing and ice skating, then we took the train to Durham (where she goes to school).
Her little home was very cute and she stealthily put me in her room and said she was "going to go see if anyone else was there." Then she brought me into the lounge where she had decorated the entire place with red, white & blue balloons & made me a table FULL of cakes and treats. I was so overwhelmed and honored. It made me feel so loved and special. She really is wonderful. The rest of the weekend was full of shopping, touring Newcastle & Durham, going out to dinner for my birthday, and hitting up the worst nightclub in Europe. It was an AMAZING, UNFORGETTABLE way to spend my birthday and I don't know if I will ever be able to come close to it again.

Alright it's late, and I need to do my French homework.

Night!

not just great weather

I am at the point in my time here in Switzerland, that it all just feels as life should feel. I know that I am doing really amazing things, and I should be blogging them instantly, but it all just feels so right, and as it should be, that I don't have that overwhelming urge to shout it all from the highest mountain top.

Basically, life is grand. I still love my family. I am friends with a lot of other au pairs through this group called LiNK, and they all say to me "aw, you're so cute missing your kids, your just new, that will change." And it really bothers me, as if I don't know myself and how I feel. Yes, I admit that sometimes I get really excited that the kids are going to bed, but that doesn't change the fact that I love them and am happy to see their faces in the morning. And when I leave for the weekend, it feels like ages that I am away from my family. I love the fact that I am making friends and have all of these opportunities to go places and hang out with people, but it doesn't stop me from being glad to go home at the end of my time off.

So, let's review my weekends, because it feels like I have been here for much longer than I actually have, which I will fully realize when I write down what I have done for my weekends.

Weekend 1: I didn't know anyone, so I just relaxed, went into Geneva on my own (got lost), met up with a girl that the Fiore's are friends with for coffee, and then went to church with the Fiores on Sunday...where I met an au pair named Brittany, who introduced me to the world of LiNK....which leads me to my next weekend.

Weekend 2: LiNK ski retreat. I know this will upset a lot of you, but I didn't go skiing. I thought I should pace myself, seeing as it was only my second week in a new country, and I don't want to spend every penny that I make. I didn't know if anyone else wasn't skiing, but I figured that, either way, I could chill out, see some beautiful mountains, and probably meet some great girls. (You might be surprised to know that there are boy au pairs. I was AMAZED! One of them came to the ski retreat. I repeat: 1 boy, 40 girls. He didn't have a girlfriend by the end though, I asked.) But that's neither here nor there, even though poor James is still single, I at least made friends with a girl that wasn't going skiing either. She is British, and we spent the whole weekend together walking around some adorable Swiss Mountain towns and eating entirely too much chocolate. When we were heading off in our separate directions after our return bus ride home she said: "it was nice to meet you" and I was floored, it honeslty felt/feels like we have been friends for so much longer! The second day we spent with 2 other girls, Lisa from Scotland & Kristyna from the Czech Republic, and they were/are so much fun. Lisa makes me laugh nonstop and Kristyna is a sweetheart who has the added bonus of being from the Czech Republic (if you know me well enough, you know that I have a sort of soft spot for that particular country).

Weekend 3: The Fiore's were kind enough to let me use their apartment in Geneva so I could meet up with some of the girls I met on the aforementioned ski trip. Friday night I met up with my British friend Sarah to get dinner. Little did we know that we wouldn't be able to find anywhere to eat except for a pizza restaurant with a dodgy clientele and a creepy waiter named Mohamed who took my phone and called himself so he could have my number. Don't worry, I put "do not answer" under his number and ignored the call he made later that evening. But honestly, who does that? Freaking stalkers, that's who. I honestly freaked myself out a little bit the more I thought about it. I am just praying he found another girl to prey upon after we speed-walked away from the restaurant and forgot about me.
Saturday I went with Lisa, Sarah, Kristyna, and her friend, Lissa (from Germany), to a flea market in Plainpalais. I bought season 1 of friends for 12.50 CHF so I would have something to watch in the Fiore's apartment when I come. We got crepes for brunch across the street from the flea market and then walked around Geneva. The weather was beautiful and the company was great, so we wiled away the afternoon together laughing and talking. It's nice hanging out with au pairs because everyone kind of has the same view on life. We can talk about our charges and plan weekend trips and complain and understand each other. It is such a blessing...although I feel bad because I am usually praising my situation and the complaints are mostly on the other girls' sides.
The couple that runs the au pair community was having a movie night that evening for the girls who are in the Bible study, I have been to one of those, so I was invited. Most everyone I was with on Saturday was going...so I really wanted to go too. BUT, I had already told this other group of people that I was going to a party they were having....so, come Saturday night I found myself in a pickle. See, the Fiores are really involved in their church, and up until the time the twins were born, they ran the young adults group at said church. Michelle really wants me to get involved in that group, and I am no less willing/excited about the prospect, so she had encouraged me to go to a Chinese New Year party that someone was throwing...even though I would know at best 2 people there. I had decided to go to that, and face all of the new people with all of the bravery and good humor I could muster. But then the movie night invitation came along....and you know how I love a good movie night...so I was torn. Literally, it hurt to decide. I had already picked the movie night and was on the bus to go to it with the girls I had been hanging out with that day, and I called Michelle to tell her. (I was also telling her that I was going with some of the au pairs to Luzern on Sunday.) It was evident to me that she wanted me to go the Chinese New Year party, so I felt bad and didn't know what to do. It was really weird, I felt kind of lost. I was sitting on the bus looking at my new au pair friends, not wanting to hurt them with the prospect of my going to hang out with other people, but not wanting to miss an opportunity to make new friends, or snub the group of people Michelle truly wanted me to meet and love like she did. So, (and sorry if this is hard to follow) I decided to take advantage of the fact that I am already out of my comfort zone, and go to the Chinese New Year party. I figured that the best time to meet new people is when you are actually new, so it won't be this awkward "oh, you have been here for MONTHS you say? why I am just meeting you now." When I made the decision and got on a different bus to go the way to the New Year party, I was looking through my phone and I came across the C.S. Lewis quote of the day. It was something like "what you are going towards is far better than what you just left." So I felt like C.S. Lewis approved of my decision. Not that I think what I went toward was any better than what I left, but it was just a nice boost there on my phone when I needed it.

WOW weekend 3 is long...So the party was really fun. I met some really great people and only felt awkward for about 1 minute, which really isn't that bad for a whole evening. And, blessing of blessings, I got a ride home with a guy who is actually from Geneva (you don't meet a lot of them these days). Once I got home, I watched some of my Friends DVDs and went to bed.

The next day I woke up early and rushed to the train station to go to Luzern (a town in the German-speaking part of Switzerland) with Lissa, Kristyna, and another Czech girl, Martina. On the train I whipped out some of the Czech phrases I know, which Martina LOVED. It was so great, every time I would say something in Czech she got so excited and laughed and kept saying "this is so great!" I sincerely enjoyed it. Luzern was beautiful, so you should all go. It is a town situated on a lake, surrounded my mountains. Oh yeah. Amazing.

I guess there is just something about the au pair personality that I get along with, or maybe I have just been lucky enough to meet the amazing ones, but again, I had a great time with these girls. I feel so blessed to have made friends so quickly. Not only do we have common interests and personalities, but I truly enjoy talking to them and getting to know them, and I feel like it isn't possible that I have just met them. I have so much respect for them all and hope that we can keep going on adventures like we already have. I couldn't ask for better people in my life right now. I am amazed at all the blessings God keeps pouring on me, as if He hasn't already done enough with the great family I live with, to provide me with these great friends and adventures too. I am literally overwhelmed.

Soli Deo Gloria.

videos...continued

I was walking through the old city in Geneva, and there was this great singer along this street. I loved how it sounded and I just felt like it was a great gem on my day of touring my new city. Unfortunately, I missed videoing the part where he is singing in French...surprising that this Swiss man would pick an English song when I choose to film him.



Yes, I realize that videoing whilst driving is really dangerous....but you just had to see how beautiful my drive home it. How can you be jealous if you don't get to see some of the best parts? I apologize again for the horrible video-graphing. I am working on keeping my hand still when I undertake such a treacherous pastime.

Now I am going to sleep. Night!